|why must food be so complicated?
||[Oct. 14th, 2008|05:43 pm]
The Spiritual Side of ED Recovery
For the past seven years I've been avoiding dairy and wheat/flour/gluten because they were making me very very ill. I thought for sure I had celiac sprue, but I had never tested positive for it. These dietary restrictions made it really difficult to eat out at restaurants or or eat in social situations. I couldn't eat the common foods that everyone else was eating. I couldn't share food with people. It caused me so much trouble, pain, sadness, anxiety, etc. I thought it was some cruel fate to have to deal with such a restricted diet after having an eating disorder. I learned to cook for myself and I ate really healthy whole foods, but I still felt like food was controlling me. Now I don't know what to think, since it seems that I can eat flour, wheat and gluten again. I'm still very lactose intolerant and I'm choosing to be vegan, but at least I can have a sandwich. I think. I'm really confused about what to eat. I'm still staying mostly gluten-free because i don't really know what's going on with my body. I'm starting to feel like I'm normal again and can eat with people. Last night I went to bed feeling so happy about food and eating and health in general. I mean I really felt good. Joyous even. |
Then I had a nightmare about butter. I was at the house I grew up in, getting ready to go to Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house. My parents were fighting loudly as they usually did on holidays. All of a sudden I realized that I needed to check on the food to see if there was anything for me to eat. My mother was cooking potatoes in butter. She had put butter on everything and all the food at my aunt's house had butter on it too. She got angry at me for wanting her to not use butter and for refusing to eat the food. I got angry because I previously told her I was lactose intolerant and I refused to go to Thanksgiving with them. I have, unfortunately, had to decline social invitations because of my food allergies, and it really hurt to be specifically excluded from a family event. Thanksgiving and Christmas were the only days that my family ever had real butter, so holidays specifically have butter in my memories. Some disembodied voice started yelling at me about how nobody was ever going to accommodate me, and I very lucidly thought about the friends I have Thanksgiving with out here in California that make the potatoes vegan. It really hurt to be disregarded by my family and it was a very painful reminder that I'm still not normal and I don't fit in at a very basic level. I know my friends really work to make sure I'm included at gatherings with food, but my family used food as a weapon against me ever since I went vegetarian at 15. Food should not be a weapon. Food should not make me feel disabled or socially isolated. It's such a struggle for me. Food shouldn't be this complicated.