|Things are here
||[Jul. 22nd, 2008|04:58 pm]
The Spiritual Side of ED Recovery
hello all.I have not posted here more than once since I felt I havnt had anything wonderfull and insightfull to say,even though I still dont realy,maybe you'll relate to this one.... |
I have never considered getting treated for anorexia.I do not feel I can recover because I dont want to.i like it too much.I love to be thin,to me it is a way of keeping people(men mainly)out.how can they look at me as a sexual object if I do not have obvious sexual characteristics.sexual abuse?Of course I suffered that...by almost every man I have been with/around.from catcalls,to harassment at work to downright awful things that I consider torture,I went many years and for once a 5 yr stretch without sex.
I intend to do this for the rest of my life.Intamacy is one thing.I can cuddle with somebody or be affectionate with a woman,but the thought of penetration disgusts me.when I think of a penis I think of pregnancy,pain and STD's
I NEVER want any of those!..Ive expirianced pain and that is enough.Ive seen so many disasters happen to people who engage in what is supposed to be a natural act.all I see is some guy trying to controll me,use me,abuse me.I have seldom tried to date,and so far,all but one man has turned out to be terrible.
sorry guys,if any of you are here,but 9 out of 10 of you suck..maybe your that 10th guy,they are out there,but sadly,men have traumatized me so badly that I cannot trust them,women too,but not nearly as much because they know the pain of which I speak.
I am a sexual anorexic.maybe your not,but I am.maybe some think that's sad,but I live happy without the drama
I have lost 5 lbs,down to 105 and I intend to go as far as possible
I know I will never recover from the abuse ive been forced to suffer,thease people gained my trust and then shattered it,then I would ALWAYS leave!the guilt is overwhelming,the fact that I allowed somebody to do this to me!I cannot ever get over it.\
I love being thin,not just for asthetics but because of the way it feels and because it will repell THEM,they wont look at me with lust and think disrespectfull thoughts.
I know someone has been there before.